Laments of the Doomed: Crusergirl

Part 2
October 23rd, 2011
It worked! We negotiated and extra hour of control for one of her things. i'm still conserned though. She agreed too quickly. I'm trying my best here but I have to be careful.
I went online to check in. Georger (Gorger) was in there. Talking around me. It looks like everyone wants to make deals. I guess they need more folowers or something.
And now there are four of them. Dean is hosting one called Damocles. He keeps talking about getting rid of the others. He says he can lock them all back up. This whole thing sets off my bullshit meter but the prospect of them fighting each other sounds promising. Peter talked about the Duke planning to betray them. Perhaps they all want to be top dog eventually. Crusher seems to only be conserned with herself and her things. I suppose she dosen't even suspect Duke. Does she even hold any real power? I guess the sin itself is enough.
Six deals left. I better make them count. Congratulations Crusher you get your shoes back.

October 24th, 2011
God, I feel so weird today. Besides the alternate personality that is. I think I actually slept. I haven't slept since this whole thing began. I may no longer be the dominant personality anymore but she made sure to torture me by showing me the crap she was doing. Now, I'm concerned that I don't remember anything from the last time I was in control. No torture, no mind games, just sleep.
I negotiated another hour for her crystal mouse. This doesn't feel like its working. I need to do something drastic. Izzie suggests spamming Crusher's tumblr again.
Sounds good to me.
My fighting has resorted to the most childish antics to get my frustrations out. How fucked up is that? Izzie, Sam and a few others help me by sending posts of cute cat videos. I even have some time left so I grab the condiments in the fridge and give these grey walls some color. I didn't relize what a wonderful medium ketchup and mustard can be. Stepping back I noticed I drew my cats. I miss them so bad. Thank God they aren't here to see this. To see me. Thank God Crusher didn't get them. Depression made me leave the chatroom this afternoon.

October 25th, 2011
She killed them.
She killed my cats. She had them here all along. Hiding them, starving them, torturing them. I didn't even know until Singer showed me Crusher's post. As I read it, the way she described it, I could see it happening. Her memories flooding into mine. Like watching a video. Right in front of my eyes. I didn't kill them, but they think I did. They saw momma cat crushing them one by one.
I tried to run and hide but Crusher wouldn't let me. I have to spend the next two hours in moruning for the one of the last things connecting me to this world. One of the last pieces of hope I had. I could hardly type, let alone write.

I'm going to kill that Bitch. I won't just get my body and mind back, I'll make her pay. For everything she's done to me, my friends, everyone.
I'm going to take this sadness, and convert it to anger. I'll get her back.
I FUCKING SWEAR IT!

October 29th, 2011  

That place.

It was so beautifual. It felt so real. I can still feel the wind on my face and smell the fishy lake water in the air. Sand grains beneath my feet and in between my toes. The cabins and the swingset. It looked just like my childhood home from so long ago. Every summer, my most fondest memories.

And then everyone was there. Singer, Mennos, Sam, Peter. Oh when Peter showed up it made everything that much more perfect. We wern't split or broken or in pain. The silence, the peace.

Why did you wake me from that?

Why did I need to come back?

I wanted to stay there forever. But he wouldn't let me. He brought me back.

They say its a false place. A place that I went to hide from what has been happening.

I don't care if that's true. I had everything I wanted there. Why didn't you see that?

They said to never go back.

I'm going back. Someday when I can.

When everyone has given up on me.

I'd rather live there than die alone.

Even if it is a dream.

Fake.

It's mine. All mine and belongs to nobody else.

Laments of the Doomed: Pseudomuse

I get up around 5am to be at work by 6. I stumble into the bathroom and clean up a bit before changing and running out the door. On the way I pick up good ol fashoned junk food for breakfast. Before I head into work I check my e-mail on my phone.
No messages
At work its a pretty slow day so idling on mibbit is my only entertainment. I get to talk to a few of my online friends on break. It's nice to have this. With all of the fucked up stuff going on, I can't help but vent to someone. At least I have this fun game to play for a while.
Two breaks, a lunch and four hours later its time to go home. As soon as I do I'm logging onto mibbit again. This game, has become more complicated than a simple series of challenges.
Crux is acting weird. He says he can see Him in his back yard. We all tell him to go hide. Go and hide and stay with us. Don't look at him. Don't try to fight him.
I should know. Personal experince sucks.
Crusergirl messages me. She's been talking to RED while he's in the city.
That bastard.
He thinks he can just get back on the scene and help. After everything he's done to me. I don't care if he was crazy then. I got dragged there! It's his fault!
What makes it worse is that everyone trusts him now. Including Cruser. They're trying to get him to come back. He can stay there and rot for all I care.
Note to self: Print all of Kirsten's logs on RED. I need to study what's been happening while i've been away. I'm watching every move RED makes.
Time for bed.


Pain, searing, three am. I feel sick to my stomach. I've slept all of five hours in the past 72. The nightmares, the TREE, the scratches. I go to the bathroom to inspect myself. I find two giant red scratches going down my back from shoulder blade to hip.
It scares the fuck out of me.


Crusergirl is so kind to me. I really enjoy talking to her. She tells me her name is Katie. I really wanted to see her so I asked for a skype conversation. Her camera is really lagging but its nice to see her.
I tell her my idea about the challenges. The comparison to the seven deadly sins. The look on her face is horrific. She's going off theorizing about all of this. I hate the idea as much as she does but we need to keep it secret. Especially from Crux and Dante.


Friday? Is it Friday already?


Red is in town. Katie negoitiated our meeting. I want to punch him in the face but I promised her. So did he...supposedly.
Together again. He tells me the danger I'm in. He says I've been to the Empty City a few times since he brought me there. He knows because he sees me there all the time apparently. I can't remember any of that. A lot of things are getting fuzzy.
I can't talk anymore. I'm going to bed.
Red can fill them in.


I get home. Katie is online. I've been looking forward to talking to her all day. Despite all of the shit, she is one of the few who treats me like a normal person.
She tells me she trusts me. I don't think she knows how much that means to me.


I'm in a fitting room trying on suits. The salesman brings me one of the most expensive in the store. I can't believe the price. Why am I...


In bed I wake up. The ceiling looks different. I guess I decided to go commando last night.
Suddenly I panic.
A woman next to me. Her name is Sarah.
Who is she?
What did I do last night? I was at work then....
What am I going to tell Katie?

I'm strait with her. She says its okay. That it's not like we were dating.
I feel like shit and I can tell she's upset. She's trying to hide it but I know.
A little later we talk on Skype as if nothing happened. We decide to research this Duke person. Katie find a picture of...

....know what to think of this. The whole thing scares the crap out of me. Katie is really focused on the painting. I can't...

....posted it! Just now! How did he know? She's starting to get scared now. She keeps asking me what's going on. I have no idea. I can't think. My head is starting to....


...online for a few days now. I guess I just keep missing her. She is on the other side of the world from me. I wish she was here. Everyone is being distant today. Like they don't want to talk to me. She is the only person here who would be glad to see me. I'm starting to worry.

It's been a while since I've seen Katie. But this.
Is different.
What's wrong with her?
Why is she acting this way? To her friends. To me.
Kirsten messages me. She says Katie made a deal with the Duke. Now she's no longer herself. She's this Crusher thing.
I message Kat...Crusher. She's so different. So weird. I can't even talk to her. Why did she do that? I swear, when I find this Duke I'll make him pay for this. I have to help Katie.


Two days and no sign of Katie.
And the Duke is Blackmuse.
And Blackmuse is me.
This new part of me, did this to her. I have to talk to her. If only for a moment. She can't get back without Black. Black don't you miss her too? What happened to that feisty nature you liked? It's gone. Non existent. You know you want her back as bad as me. Get her out Black, if only for a moment.
And next time your in control, know that I want you out too.


Kirsten and the others tell me Katie is back.
Sort of.
She gets an hour every day to be herself now. They say its random. What are the chances we are both going to see...


Crusher is here. She's the complete opposite of Katie. It makes me so sick to see her like this. I don't care. I'll still talk to her like she's here with us. She's in there somewhere.
I love you Katie.
Please know I still love you.
I'll fight beside you just like we promised.

Katie?
Katie! Thank God your here.
I'm fighting too. I made Duke want to release you, if only for a small time.
She's so happy, just like it used to be. For now, we can pretend like it used to be.
She didn't see the TREE. There is hope for her. But me, I'm...
"Don't worry", she says. "I'm not giving up. I did this to fight along side you."
I'm not giving up either. I am so tired but if she can still fight so can I.

....that song. It's a bit ironic and sad. I can't help but cry. Here we are, lost but still fighting. If it's the last thing I do, I'll save Katie. I may not be salvageable but I can save her.